October….

It’s nearly the end of October, nearly the end of another season on the island. The clocks go back on Saturday night, it’s Halloween on Sunday. People keep reminding me it’s only 2 months til Christmas (joy), and the summer camping season is over.

The weather is still mild, the leaves are falling from some trees but still green on others. There’s been a bumper crop of chestnuts this year, much to my and the squirrels pleasure.

It’s a busy time, loads to do, planning, working outside, longer hard days leaving us tired but satisfied with a good job done.

But anxiety never cares about all this. Never worries how tired I am or how worn out from a day’s work. Never bothers with the fact that I might need a clear head to just get on with stuff or inspiration for plans and schemes without either a fuzzy, stuck feeling, or a desperate need to do everything, resulting in doing nothing.

The feeling of tightness in the chest, of constant tension in the stomach, of headaches and neck-aches, of restlessness one minute and downright wiped out exhaustion the next. I know I need to get out and walk, run, exercise. But I can’t. Be. Bothered. I know it’ll make me feel better if I do, but I’d rather sleep. One day on top of the world, the next I can’t even handle the washing up without a minor panic.

Writing it down helps. Perhaps getting it off my chest, sharing the feelings, perhaps so others can relate. I want to just get on with things. This gets right in the way (and right on my bloody nerves). I know that I should just go and sit in the hide, get out in the air and just be still and calm. I will do it, just not right now. Tomorrow morning I will get out and about. I think. I hope. I won’t know until I get there. Even sorting out my running gear seems like a mammoth task right now. I want to give myself a shake and say look what you’ve got, look where you are and what is around you. And I will. Eventually.

But for now. A rant is as good a way as any to help get it off my chest.

Tomorrow is (hopefully) a better day…..