It’s been a while. I’ve been trying to stay off of devices, social media and all that. And for good reason
Since last writing, following the op on my arm which put me out of action for a good proportion of 2023, 2024 has not started out at its best either.
Just before Christmas, I managed to have a dizzy turn and pass out, in the middle of a packed pub, at a Christmas meal. This may have been a one-off you may think, but then two further severe dizzy spells followed. The final one on 29th December put me in A&E, and ended with a night on the cardiology ward, with heart monitors, blood tests, chest xrays and a whirlwind of other investigations. All inconclusive.
A 48hr heart monitor and visits to the doctor for steroid spray for possible inner ear problems followed. Still no real answers. Then with the final visit to doctor in March, the dreaded M-word was finally mentioned.
Yes, you guessed it. Menopause.
And this is where the ‘fun’ really starts….
I have been really lucky to speak to a brilliant GP who specialises in, and is passionate about, women’s health. Who doesn’t bullshit and is a keen advocate of clear and truthful advice on menopausal and perimenopausal symptoms. I’ve learned a lot. And this may be old news to some but I have just found out that the ‘3 weeks on 1 week off’ pattern of the contraceptive pill was only introduced to appease the Catholic Church (who believed women should have a ‘natural’ bleed as part of their cycle). As if women didn’t have a tough enough time of it, we end up having to please religion too… eek.
So, what has happened since? The combined contraceptive pill (which ironically I have been on for years but had no idea could be my saviour), contains all the hormones needed in perimenopause, and the potential to even out some of its symptoms. The only reason hormones fluctuate is because of the 1 week break, allowing the body time to go haywire as oestrogen and progesterone levels drop. So the idea is…. just keep taking it. Revelation!
I may sound like I’m taking the mick, but this is no joke. To say I am desperate for a solution is probably not too much of an exaggeration. Dizziness, hot flushes, brain fog, tinnitus, anxiety, aches and pains, mad tiredness, ridiculously low energy levels. That’s just the things I can remember (like I said, brain fog). Add to this the fact that the dizzy spells and anxiety have put the fear into me about driving long distance (and for a dedicated VW camper driver, solo explorer, nature lover and campsite-frequenter this is pretty gutting) and I’m feeling pretty damn shite, to be blunt.
I feel like a wiped out old fart, if I’m perfectly honest. Angry that women have to go through all this crap, that my hair is going grey, that I’ve got crows-feet and wrinkles, that my hands are looking old. I am trying to eat healthily, I haven’t had a drink since December, I’ve been doing yoga every day, I’ve started (slowly) running again. I keep thinking I should feel great, so why don’t I?? And the thing is, the more I find out about it, the more I find out I’m not alone. Menopause sucks, and lots of women agree…
But I guess after all this ranting, there is a reason (other than moaning) that I am here.
There is still nature. And mindfulness, and connection. No matter how tired, how dizzy, how spaced out I feel (and writing this I am reaching my screen-time limit so will wind up shortly), nature is always there to welcome, embrace and support.
Daily mindful walks, grounding in nature, taking in every feature in awe, even having a chat to the trees (they know all about menopause now too), has been a lifeline. It doesn’t matter how pants I’m feeling… every time I go outside I am rewarded with beauty, fascination, surprise, joy, wonder.
Try going for a walk. Not just any old walk, but a noticing walk. Look at the minute details – the patterns on a leaf, the whorl of a bracken frond, the marks on a stone, the stripes on a snail’s shell. Say hi to a butterfly, hug a tree (yes really, it feels great and I’m sure the trees like it too as long as you ask before you invade their space). Be a child in nature, look with fresh eyes. Put aside your adult brain and your lifetime of knowledge. Start again. Be a student of nature. Let it show you what it has to offer. And offer something of yourself back to it. We are part of a society of beings, we don’t ‘own’ the planet or nature, we are part of it. We’re just another little bit of the mammalian order, after all.
So next time you go out, don’t be afraid to show some joy in the wild world around you. Even if it’s just a dandelion poking through a city pavement, or a caterpillar clinging to your garden plant. They all have something to teach us. Determination, resilience. We’ve just got to open ourselves up, and listen.
And my journey with nature, it doesn’t end here. Exploring the depths of connection will continue to be my goal, my medicine, my support. And I Will aim to support the nature around me too. Reciprocal, rewarding, healing, learning, growing into the person I am becoming on the next stage of my travels through life. With nature I can try my best to be strong and to grow into this new me with calm and mindful knowledge.
So whatever the aging process throws at me, no matter how low or ill I feel, I will always have the support of the other-than-human world around me. I may not go out some days, may choose to rest indoors instead, but I can always borrow a little bit of nature… a stone, a stick, a feather, to keep with me for that day and to return the next time I head back out. And that in itself is an incentive, to head out, to get into the air, to feel the breeze and look at the sea.
I am finishing this a couple of days after the first instalment, and as I write I feel awful. Wiped, dizzy, weak and achy. I’ve been in bed since 7.30 and mostly asleep since about 8. This is not how I want to be. But I guess I will adapt. With help from what I believe in, and by being kind to myself, I hope I will learn to live with the process and to learn from where it decides to take me… wherever that may be….
Stones and Feathers 