Today I made a decision, to spend more time with nature. It’s not like I haven’t before, but today I really needed it.

When things get difficult, I have always turned to the natural world. Perhaps I hadn’t realised just how much. Today a feeling of loneliness overtook me, an unbearable tightness in my stomach, a longing and a sadness. I could have stayed indoors, I wanted to sleep and wake up tomorrow with work to distract me. It would have been easy. It was pouring with rain and the wind was howling.

I didn’t stay in. I pulled on a waterproof coat and trousers, tucked my hair into a wooly hat, and out I went. The wind was pushing the water on the lagoon up into waves, the birds huddled together. I don’t think I took in much of this at first, as now I am trying to write it I can’t recall it clearly. I walked Middle Street, thinking how only the day before I was not walking this track alone. Trying not to think that too much.

The further I walked, the more I felt myself open up, expand into the surroundings, the rain on my face, soaking my hair and my hat. The air felt warm, compared to the previous couple of days of cold, calm, still weather. Huge puddles covered the tracks, deep and muddy, and I couldn’t resist the urge to slosh through them, cheering myself up as I did.

Halfway round my walk, I felt strong, connected, free, determined.

I felt like me again. I felt at home in a place I know so well. The feeling of being a part of something. The support and holding of those beings around me was clear.

And I knew one thing, I need more of this, more nature, more contact with the other than human world. I feel alone, but I am never really alone. Yes it hurts, and yes it’s hard to keep pushing down the feeling every time something knocks me back, and just start again, being strong, being normal.

By the time I got back, I felt in tune with nature. I stood on the front steps of the Villa and gathered my Qi energy, breathing deeply and feeling full of all that around me.

I need more of this. I need the outdoors every day. Rain, wind, snow, sleet, ice, even darkness.

This is where I need to be.